


Tired

by EmmaMoonwhisper



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Crying, Depressed Okumura Rin, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Not Beta Read, Protective Okumura Yukio, Self-Harm, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, it gets worse then it gets better then it gets a lot worse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:00:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26833330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmaMoonwhisper/pseuds/EmmaMoonwhisper
Summary: Rin Okumura is tired. He thought he was finally content. All was well, until that damn training camp and Amaimon had to ruin everything. He wants it to stop. He needs help.Trigger warning: This story contains graphic depictions of self harm, and very brief thoughts of suicide. Viewer discretion is recommended. I advise you not to read if this makes you uncomfortable, or if it triggers you in any way. Watch out for yourself, please. Mind the tags.
Relationships: Moriyama Shiemi & Okumura Rin, Okumura Rin & Okumura Yukio, Okumura Rin & Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji
Comments: 4
Kudos: 103





	Tired

**Author's Note:**

> Any criticism is gladly welcomed, seeing as this is my first time posting on ao3. Like I said in the summary, please watch out for yourself. Mind the tags.
> 
> This story is in no way meant to romanticize self harm or the things associated with it, and I apologize if it appears that way. Some of this is based on me, a person who has struggled with self harm for about 2 years now. I'm partially venting my feelings, though not much.
> 
> I'm not sure if this will be 2 or 3 chapters, but we'll see I guess. I had originally planned for just 1 chapter, but plans change I guess.

It had been a long day for Rin Okumura, and the 13 year old sat on his bed with a hand in his hair, his thoughts running amuck.

_'God, why am I always such a screwup?'_ He thought, flopping onto his back as he covered his face.

It had started off as any other day, waking up to his alarm and making a quick breakfast for him and Yukio. They chatted as they walked to school together, before parting ways to go to their separate classes. That's when it happened.

As he sat down in his seat, a voice sounded from somewhere behind him.

"Yo, Okumura!" One of his classmates shouted, gaining the attention of the black haired boy. He turned his head around and looked at who called him. It was a kid with long black hair, tied into a small ponytail in the back.

"What?" He asked.

"Oh nothing, just wondering how and why they let a demon into the school, let alone the monastery where you live." The boy said, a cruel smirk on his face.

At this, Rin already felt rage start to bubble within him. 

"I'm not a demon!" He snapped back.

"Oh really? Then why are you already getting aggressive? Only _demons_ act like that, Okumura. So logically, that makes you a demon!" The kid's smirk grew as he egged Rin on. Meanwhile, Rin was getting angrier by the second. He clenched his fists, nails digging into his palms and leaving little crescent-shaped indents.

"No, I'm not a fucking demon! You hear me!? I AM NOT A DEMON!!" Rin abruptly stood up from his seat, beginning to stomp over to the kid.

Right as he was about to grab him, there were suddenly 2 pairs of hands grabbing his arms and holding him back. On either side of him, there were 2 of his other classmates. One boy with light brown hair, and the other boy with hair dyed bright red. 

"What the hell!? Let go of me, bastards!" Rin yelled. Ye tried yanking his arms away.

"Why? So you could use your demonic powers to destroy me and my friends? No, I don't think I will. Besides, didn't you say you _weren't_ a demon?" The black haired boy said as he walked closer to Rin, the stupid smirk never leaving his face.

"I'M NOT A-" 

"Yes, you are Rin. You're a demon. A disgusting demon that should go back to hell. Or better yet, just die."

Rin wanted to scream. He wanted to punch the kid until his face was black and blue. He wanted to cry, he wanted to throw up. There were so many emotions going through his head at the moment. His chest hurt, he could barely breathe. He felt the sweat on his forehead and on the palms of his hands. That's when he heard it, the chanting of his classmates.

"Demon! Demon! Demon! Demon! Demon!"

Over and over again.

"Okumura the demon."

"Hell is calling, they want their resident back!"

"Demons don't belong here."

_Stop_

_Stop_

**_Stop_ **

**_STOP_ **

**STOP IT!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!"** Rin screamed, a few tears dripping down from his eyes to his chin, leaving wet trails along his cheeks.

He got a sudden surge of strength as he moved his arms as hard as he could and sent the 2 boys to his sides flying halfway across the room. Eyes filled with white hot rage, he ran towards the black haired kid at full speed, grabbing him by the neck and throwing him down on a desk. The kid gagged and struggled to get air into his lungs as he felt the grip on his neck getting tighter.

"Listen here, you little shit! I'm not a demon, you hear me!? NOT A DEMON!!" Rin lifted him up, still gripping his neck until he threw him, sending him crashing into another desk as it tipped over from the force, landing on another student who wasn't too far away. By now all of the class had their attention on the scene, their chanting long since turned into small sounds of fear and hushed whispers. 

"Mr. Okumura! What in the world have you done!?" His teacher's voice rang out.

At that, his anger died out almost instantly, and he looked around at what he had done. The kid who was taunting him was gasping, taking in huge gulps of air as he sniffled on the ground, on the verge of bawling. Behind him was a desk that had been knocked down on top of a girl who was knocked out cold with a scrape and large purple bump forming where her head had hit the floor. The other 2 boys who had held him still earlier were off to the sides, the redhead having landed on the floor and knocked out as well while the boy with the light brown hair had landed into his classmates and was cowering behind them in fear.

As Rin looked at what he had done, he felt a heavy pit form in his chest. He had done it again, he had lost control of his emotions. This wouldn't end well with Father Fujimoto.

And just like he thought, it didn't. He was grounded for a month and was suspended for 2 weeks. So now it was just him, alone with his thoughts. 

_'I always ruin everything. I_ _don't deserve love, I'll never amount to anything good in my life anyways. Yukio is lucky, he has everything. The brains, the good looks, even a solid plan for the future. He's amazing, I can never measure up to him. How worthless can I be, that my younger twin brother is better than me?'_

By now tears were once again filling is eyes and spilling over his cheeks. He sniffed. He wanted the thoughts to go away, he wanted to be left alone. God, why wouldn't they leave him alone? He let out a loud sob, before covering his mouth when he realized he wasn't alone in the monastery. The old man was still downstairs. He felt another sob threatening to slip from his throat, so he did the only thing he could think of: He bit into his arm.

But the urge to cry harder just kept growing, so he bit down even harder than before. Suddenly, his teeth broke the skin on his arm and small drops of blood began to appear from the wound as he quickly yanked his mouth away. Looking down at the bite, he panicked a bit and quickly went to find a band-aid to put over it. But something he hadn't expected happened.

His thoughts had stopped screaming at him and he felt at peace.

* * *

Rin knew what self harm was. He knew how it could consume people, and he knew how it affected not only those who practiced it but the loved ones of those who practiced it as well. He had learned all about it and even done a bit of his own research. He had made a note to himself to never become someone who hurt themselves. 

And yet here he was, cheap dollar store box cutter in hand as he stood over the sink, ready to push the blade against his skin at any given moment. He gulped.

Earlier that day, he had been trying to cook dinner for Father Fujimoto as a small apology for the trouble he caused. But he ended up mixing up the recipe a small bit, and when he had tried to fix it he had tripped and made a mess of ingredients all over the kitchen. And on top of that, the meat he had on the stove began to burn and catch fire, setting off the smoke alarm.

By then everyone in the monastery was gathered at the kitchen and trying to put the fire out. When it was finally gone, Rin got nothing but reprimands from the others and a disapproving look from Father Fujimoto. And with that, he ran up to his room with a deep feeling of anger.

Rin was angry. But he wasn't angry at anyone but himself. It was his fault, everything was his fault. 

When he had first learned about self harm one of the first things he had learned was that for most who did it, they thought of it as a great emotional release. Whether it be anger, stress, sadness, you name it. For them, it worked. At the time, all Rin could think of was how causing yourself pain would somehow make you feel better. But then he had bit his arm the other day, and his views quickly began to change.

So here he was now. 

Without wasting any more time, he pushed the blade out of its plastic holder and pressed it against his forearm, the cold metal biting into his skin as he slowly dragged it across. At first, he winced. But then he saw the clean cut that was made, blood already beading from the wound in small little circles. And with that, the anger and negative emotions he felt towards himself diminished to almost nothing. The blood ran down his arm and dripped into the sink, running down the drain.

It had worked. He knew it was bad. He knew how terrible it was, but he didn't care. Because it had _worked_. 

Quickly, he turned the sink on and ran his arm under the warm water, watching as the rest of the blood ran down the drain, leaving the water an orange-pink tint as it went down. Finally, the bleeding had stopped to where he could wrap some gauze around his arm and call it good, which is exactly what he did. After the emotional journey he had been through today, he was exhausted. Mentally exhausted. So after changing into a long sleeved shirt, he crawled into bed and let sleep take over with only one thought in his mind.

_'It worked this time, maybe I'll do it again next time.'_

* * *

In his dorm room, Rin laid on his bed staring up at his arm which was held above him, running his fingers across the pink and white lines that littered his arms. Ever since the awakening of his demonic abilities, he had soon figured out that because of his healing that new scars could not be added. Knowing that was refreshing, but at the same time disheartening with the fact that he would heal almost imediately after each cut, with no evidence of what he had done. But then again, he hadn't had the urge to dig his blade into his arm lately. He supposed it was because he had been doing a lot better in terms of his mental and emotional health. He had a good group of friends, Yukio was beginning to treat him better then he had when he had first come to True Cross, and his secret was well kept from everyone with no slip-ups. 

Of course, it wasn't like that at all the first few days.

His first few days at True Cross Academy were nothing but a complete and utter nightmare. Just days before he started, he had los his father on the same night he had discovered he was the offspring of the most powerful demon in Hell, Satan. So needless to say, he had felt like absolute garbage. Though he hadn't turned to the blade yet.

He turned to the blade when Yukio, his own younger brother, had pointed his gun at him and told him it would be better if he were dead.

Rin had never believed something so much in his entire life.

When he had gotten to his dorm room that day, the first thing he did was lock himself in the bathroom with the same box cutter he had used when he first started his downward spiral. That was when he first learned of his demonic healing. He was frantic when he noticed it, repeatedly slicing across his arm in various directions, trying to go as deep as he could. But it was no use. Each slash healed in a minimum of 3 seconds.

That was the first and last time he had used his box cutter since he came to True Cross, because things only got better from there. 

Rin was fine.

Really, he was fine.

Good friends, good brother, and he was even starting to stop blaming himself for Shiro's death.

He wasn't overly happy, but he was content.

He was Okay.

He was fine.

And that's all that mattered.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Too bad it didn't last. Why would it last? Good things never lasted with Rin.


End file.
